Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports activities Nihilist, the place all is for naught and we’re however unintended jolts of electrified meat caught to the floor of a rock in an detached universe. Fuck you.
The present protection of Colorado soccer coach Deion Sanders couldn’t be higher if Eric Hill wrote it himself. “See Coach Prime. See Coach Prime coach. Humorous, humorous, Coach Prime.” There’s little substance past masking the day-to-day as a result of the day-to-day is so entertaining.
On this week’s episode of fall camp, Coach Prime scolded members of his staff who didn’t flip a routine follow skirmish right into a riot, saying, “If one fights, we all fight.” His, umm, method reveals an overt disregard for penalties and accountability — and it’s normal working process.
Whether or not he’s forcing a full-on exodus of gamers, or making an attempt to amputate his foot ASAP so he’s prepared for the season, it’s a refreshing(?) tackle rule-breaking that’s already upset the apple cart.
Coach Prime does issues in another way from his friends, and is being coated like he’s school soccer’s Walter White. By no means thoughts {that a} terminal illness was the impetus for the latter to interrupt dangerous, nor that he turned a meth kingpin who killed a child. None of that issues as a result of Walter White, like Coach Prime, has palettes of cash.
Model consciousness and limitless self promotion chart the trail to riches, and riches result in happiness, and happiness results in anger, and anger results in ache, and ache results in struggling. (I feel that’s how the quote goes, proper?)
I’m not going to knock Coach Prime’s hustle although. In actual fact, I’ve already began microdosing with narcissism in hopes that I, too, might be profitable whatever the value. You solely get one life, and why spend it as if somebody is conserving a ledger of our actions? No person is, aside from perhaps the police and the federal government, however they’re all fascists, to allow them to go fuck themselves.
And Coach Prime is all about telling establishments to go fuck themselves — the NCAA, the teaching fraternity, Jaskson State, HBCUs. I can’t anticipate the Coach Prime impersonators and imposters to pop up like a subject of GOP candidates. Who shall be Coach Prime’s Meatball Ron? Will one in every of Coach Prime’s assistant coaches activate him like Mike Pence after Buffs’ gamers storm the opposing locker room?
That additionally assumes he has assistant coaches, as a result of that is the Coach Prime Present (now streaming on Amazon), and Coach Prime is the one one who issues. Aside from his child, we solely hear about his gamers when he’s reducing them, or overhauling the roster. They’re in service to Coach Prime’s ego, and Coach Prime’s endgame, which is Coach Prime’s ego.
Coach Prime is all about outcomes, and the way Colorado, or his subsequent staff, will get there’s irrelevant. So what if there are solely 20 of the 83 scholarship players left from the 2022 season? These gamers have been, by definition, losers. Sure, I do know Deion is lopping off toes regardless of his teaching future, however I’d hack off my pinky for $1 million proper now, no questions requested, medical payments be damned. It takes sacrifice, blood, sweat, and full devotion to Deion Sanders to get forward, each in soccer and life.
By the way, soccer is life, and since nothing issues in life like life, soccer is the one factor that issues. (I critically suppose I may do that for 250 pages, ship a replica to Coach Prime’s agent, and Deion would slap his title on it, no questions requested.)
We’ve seen hucksters in school soccer earlier than, however by no means like this. Coach Prime is greater than a model; he’s a life-style. What meaning, I don’t know, nevertheless it sounds cool sufficient to be monetized.
